The night of the lone speaks within
a touch of familiarity still remains
seeking a place to find its own
and let chaos fade to wind
7.7.11
Learn.
Not too long ago, I was in an in-house workshop where we were each asked to speak on a social topic of any kind for 5 mins as a presentation. It was then my colleague's turn. He is in his 60s, probably the oldest employed staff in my company, and he stood in front of the whole class and spoke of his unforgettable story.
I could see that he was filled with nerves but determination and courage were shown on his face as he prepares to speak. He shared about his past regrets with such poignant honesty, about how he had missed the valuable opportunity to study and learn English, about how he had struggled to provide for his family and make ends meet, about how he kept looking back every single time with a painful regretful feeling. As he spoke sincerely, his buried tears fell and in front of the whole class, he cried for his regretful past.
Tears uncontrollably fell from my cheeks as well.
Being in the Training Industry, i have faced many adult learners having the same regrets, the same regretful past. Because of certain living situations they were in when they were young, they had to forsake studying in order to work for survival. They had to forsake their dreams in order to live another day, so that there will be food on the table for the families. Now in their elderly years, their unspoken passion for learning still beats strongly in their hearts, wanting another chance to fulfill their forgotten learning goals.
I absolutely love what i do now. My job is to inspire them to continue to learn. To tell them that everyone has the potential to be who they want to become. That they have it in them to discover their hidden talents and untapped potential and soar as high as they want. Whether they are 38 or 78 years old, all they need to do is to believe. To believe that they can.
But unknown to them, whenever i meet with them, i hear their hardship stories and see their earnestness to learn, i get inspired by them totally. My heart goes out to them and it makes me even more focused in my goal to help them learn.
I have learnt that it is all in our mindset. Do we question ourselves from time to time that we are incapable of doing what we want? Do we set boundaries in our mind that we shouldn't dream of what we want because it isn't realistic? Do we think reaching for the skies is only meant for daydreamers and the only way to survive is to be grounded?
I see my learners growing from strength to strength, from being illiterate in English to holding an interesting conversation with me in English, they have proved to me that no matter how big or small your dreams are, you can achieve it even though you are 80 years old.
At times, we get sucked up by chasing the winds of this world, we forget who we really are and who we want to be become. We stop soul searching and start filling this void with things that holds only a momentary value.
I could see that he was filled with nerves but determination and courage were shown on his face as he prepares to speak. He shared about his past regrets with such poignant honesty, about how he had missed the valuable opportunity to study and learn English, about how he had struggled to provide for his family and make ends meet, about how he kept looking back every single time with a painful regretful feeling. As he spoke sincerely, his buried tears fell and in front of the whole class, he cried for his regretful past.
Tears uncontrollably fell from my cheeks as well.
Being in the Training Industry, i have faced many adult learners having the same regrets, the same regretful past. Because of certain living situations they were in when they were young, they had to forsake studying in order to work for survival. They had to forsake their dreams in order to live another day, so that there will be food on the table for the families. Now in their elderly years, their unspoken passion for learning still beats strongly in their hearts, wanting another chance to fulfill their forgotten learning goals.
I absolutely love what i do now. My job is to inspire them to continue to learn. To tell them that everyone has the potential to be who they want to become. That they have it in them to discover their hidden talents and untapped potential and soar as high as they want. Whether they are 38 or 78 years old, all they need to do is to believe. To believe that they can.
But unknown to them, whenever i meet with them, i hear their hardship stories and see their earnestness to learn, i get inspired by them totally. My heart goes out to them and it makes me even more focused in my goal to help them learn.
I have learnt that it is all in our mindset. Do we question ourselves from time to time that we are incapable of doing what we want? Do we set boundaries in our mind that we shouldn't dream of what we want because it isn't realistic? Do we think reaching for the skies is only meant for daydreamers and the only way to survive is to be grounded?
I see my learners growing from strength to strength, from being illiterate in English to holding an interesting conversation with me in English, they have proved to me that no matter how big or small your dreams are, you can achieve it even though you are 80 years old.
At times, we get sucked up by chasing the winds of this world, we forget who we really are and who we want to be become. We stop soul searching and start filling this void with things that holds only a momentary value.
Invest in yourself. Dream big. Believe that it is possible.
And ultimately, don't stop learning.
6.7.11
Discover.
Time unfolds itself daily.
Moment after moment, we live with a heartbeat for life, for an experience to call our own and shape our lives for a better tomorrow.
Sometimes we make life changing mistakes because of that, sometimes we unearth a treasure of cherished happiness.
But most importantly, as time passes like the sun shines without fail, we discover ourselves as who we are.
Our passion. Our values. Our core.
Have you discovered yourself today?
Moment after moment, we live with a heartbeat for life, for an experience to call our own and shape our lives for a better tomorrow.
Sometimes we make life changing mistakes because of that, sometimes we unearth a treasure of cherished happiness.
But most importantly, as time passes like the sun shines without fail, we discover ourselves as who we are.
Our passion. Our values. Our core.
Have you discovered yourself today?
12.6.11
4.6.11
Letting go. Moving on.
Tonight.
The night air tingles on my skin, my heart waits to seek.
After months of living in the past, tonight i will let go so that i can feel the future.
There were memories that were precious and there were words remembered to my heart.
I think of them everyday. Every night.
The familiar pain. The sodden pillow. The still of the night while i stood to gaze for the longest time.
Sentimental. So much of you in me.
Regrets laughed in my face. I held on, putting thin hope for an outstretched hand.
But tonight. It's time.
You were the closest and now being the farthest, i had to wake to reality.
I want you to be happy. I want to you to feel the love you always wanted. I want you to be who you want to be.
I don't have many things i called precious. You were one of them. But now, I will let you go. I now know how it feels.
I am dedicating this post to you. It's hard for me to let go but letting go will stop the tears flowing, the pain coming.
Sometimes you will never know the acute pain i have thinking of you.
But that's life. You don't have to know.
Some people get forgiven for being a fool. Some carry the guilt of a fool for life.
I have always wished this day won't come. Because i don't have much.
But even with the little that i have now, i will let you go.
I wish you much love. Be happy.
I will truly miss you.
The night air tingles on my skin, my heart waits to seek.
After months of living in the past, tonight i will let go so that i can feel the future.
There were memories that were precious and there were words remembered to my heart.
I think of them everyday. Every night.
The familiar pain. The sodden pillow. The still of the night while i stood to gaze for the longest time.
Sentimental. So much of you in me.
Regrets laughed in my face. I held on, putting thin hope for an outstretched hand.
But tonight. It's time.
You were the closest and now being the farthest, i had to wake to reality.
I want you to be happy. I want to you to feel the love you always wanted. I want you to be who you want to be.
I don't have many things i called precious. You were one of them. But now, I will let you go. I now know how it feels.
I am dedicating this post to you. It's hard for me to let go but letting go will stop the tears flowing, the pain coming.
Sometimes you will never know the acute pain i have thinking of you.
But that's life. You don't have to know.
Some people get forgiven for being a fool. Some carry the guilt of a fool for life.
I have always wished this day won't come. Because i don't have much.
But even with the little that i have now, i will let you go.
I wish you much love. Be happy.
I will truly miss you.
31.5.11
The day where something surreal truly happened.
Today something surreal happened. I finally know my value. As a person, as a companion, as a mother, as a friend.
Defense walls come crumbling down and when I dare to bare myself in front of me, i see a garden of flowers waiting to bloom, a silver lining waiting to shine.
Thank you to you who have brought this realization upon me. I have never thought a chance meeting like this can bring such a huge discovery of myself that i am shaken emotionally, a good kinda shake.
I marvel at fate. I credit this to God. I am still overwhelmed.
But my life truly begins now. :)
Defense walls come crumbling down and when I dare to bare myself in front of me, i see a garden of flowers waiting to bloom, a silver lining waiting to shine.
Thank you to you who have brought this realization upon me. I have never thought a chance meeting like this can bring such a huge discovery of myself that i am shaken emotionally, a good kinda shake.
I marvel at fate. I credit this to God. I am still overwhelmed.
But my life truly begins now. :)
29.5.11
Hope.
Sometimes hope can bring out the extreme sadness in you, when things you have been longing for pushes you away.
Things that happened for a reason but not according to hope.
I am hopefully sad for now.
14.5.11
22.4.11
14.4.11
21.2.11
Walnut.
I have been asking myself for some time now, if I am capable of finding true happiness. It is old news that I am single and older news that my social life is about the size of a walnut and the only person i regularly meet nowadays is the Indian mama downstairs my house in his mama shop when i buy milk and packs of gummy bears.
Despite having been married once for a long time and been in a relationship for a long time as well, i haven't learnt much about love. Dousing myself in John Gray's books and mediating on the positivity that the new dawn will bring new happiness, I am still pretty much clueless on finding this potent key in unlocking the treasure of couple happiness.
Already, i applaud anyone who can fully understand me when sometimes i find myself doing a lousy job. I have a very dangerous habit in not expressing exactly how i feel but as if these feelings being exposed will cause the whole earth to collapse and Armageddon comes, i tend to shut down my inner most thoughts to myself and my bedside bears.
Perhaps being INFJ, it is difficult for us to express how we truly feel. And sometimes, people will get the wrong idea about us when all we truly meant is love me back and not love my back.
But i do pity the guy who ends up loving me. He may have a handful and don't say i didn't give a heads up, I am critically insane when it comes to being witty and i like to dry my humour as often as possible. I talk to my teddie bears at all times and i tend to smile to myself when waiting for the bus to come by. I like to lie on laps like a little kitten and i snuggle extremely lots. I have my moods and most times I am gorgeous when perky, gothic when dark. I am a challenge even to myself when it comes to understanding what's inside me and the first guy who can ever dissect me honestly and truly, i will be yours for eternity, that i can promise you.
But till then, life goes on. One relationship after another. Finding that one guy with the potent key.
And even if there's no real love, good food i will settle for, i guess.
Despite having been married once for a long time and been in a relationship for a long time as well, i haven't learnt much about love. Dousing myself in John Gray's books and mediating on the positivity that the new dawn will bring new happiness, I am still pretty much clueless on finding this potent key in unlocking the treasure of couple happiness.
Already, i applaud anyone who can fully understand me when sometimes i find myself doing a lousy job. I have a very dangerous habit in not expressing exactly how i feel but as if these feelings being exposed will cause the whole earth to collapse and Armageddon comes, i tend to shut down my inner most thoughts to myself and my bedside bears.
Perhaps being INFJ, it is difficult for us to express how we truly feel. And sometimes, people will get the wrong idea about us when all we truly meant is love me back and not love my back.
But i do pity the guy who ends up loving me. He may have a handful and don't say i didn't give a heads up, I am critically insane when it comes to being witty and i like to dry my humour as often as possible. I talk to my teddie bears at all times and i tend to smile to myself when waiting for the bus to come by. I like to lie on laps like a little kitten and i snuggle extremely lots. I have my moods and most times I am gorgeous when perky, gothic when dark. I am a challenge even to myself when it comes to understanding what's inside me and the first guy who can ever dissect me honestly and truly, i will be yours for eternity, that i can promise you.
But till then, life goes on. One relationship after another. Finding that one guy with the potent key.
And even if there's no real love, good food i will settle for, i guess.
25.1.11
The Flame.
The inner flame flickers
towards the wind of night
It dims of pain
when it tries to light
It dies slowly with the wind
holding onto memories that bind
wishing for a chance to find
a miracle so kind
for reality to change its mind.
But the world still turns,
the wind still blows
the pain of light
no matter the losing fight.
The flame flickers
its light so dim
with sweet memories
it only pines.
9.11.10
Live beautifully.
Lately, I have been feeding my soul with beautiful sceneries and good food. Have been too focused on work that i needed to really learn to chill, see the world without deadlines and KPIs. I have been so involved into work that every nano second, I am constantly thinking of proposals, plans and strategies. I had forgotten what it really means to live.
2010 is coming to an end and this year has really been a good year for me. I am not one for resolutions but much have been achieved which i am glad i did it. I remember having dinner with a certain Mr X one evening and we were just chatting about the future. I was asking him what his plans for the future are and what does he see himself doing in years to come. He told me he doesn't know and he rather be realistic and not dream.
Wow.
It took me quite some moments to understand what he just said and digested it. He doesn't know? don't believe in dreaming? Whoa.
I couldn't comprehend. How can anyone possibly not dream? How can anyone don't believe in what they have now can become something bigger by having a vision? I don't have my head in the clouds but without dreams, we tend to box ourselves up easily and get contented too quickly.
Probably this is his way in finding happiness. Someone once told me - what drives you is who you really are. I ask myself that everyday, hoping to find the answer i am searching for. There are times i place less value on myself, shortchanging what i am really worth. This is not right and i aim to change it for the new coming year.
I want to fully live and live beautifully.
2010 is coming to an end and this year has really been a good year for me. I am not one for resolutions but much have been achieved which i am glad i did it. I remember having dinner with a certain Mr X one evening and we were just chatting about the future. I was asking him what his plans for the future are and what does he see himself doing in years to come. He told me he doesn't know and he rather be realistic and not dream.
Wow.
It took me quite some moments to understand what he just said and digested it. He doesn't know? don't believe in dreaming? Whoa.
I couldn't comprehend. How can anyone possibly not dream? How can anyone don't believe in what they have now can become something bigger by having a vision? I don't have my head in the clouds but without dreams, we tend to box ourselves up easily and get contented too quickly.
Probably this is his way in finding happiness. Someone once told me - what drives you is who you really are. I ask myself that everyday, hoping to find the answer i am searching for. There are times i place less value on myself, shortchanging what i am really worth. This is not right and i aim to change it for the new coming year.
I want to fully live and live beautifully.
13.10.10
Fading slowly.
There are times in our precious lives, where we will meet with crossroads and there is this deep dilemma in making the right decision. Who decides what is right in the first place? Your heart? Your head? Logic or intuition?
Everyday, we are face with situations which needs decisions, decisions, decisions. I am bad at making major decisions. My heart gives too much room to people i care alot. I think far too much for these people that many times, my decisions are based on how they would continue living should i make this particular decision. I am not perfect. I have made many bad decisions in the past which led me to be a better me through these bad patches and i appreciate the person i am now. I still have my flaws but at least i acknowledge them now, knowing that i still have lots to learn in being a good person.
How does one find oneself? How do they know what their soul is all about and who they really are? I lost some parts of myself while making the bad decisions and found some parts of me when i made some right ones. I don't wish to be something i am not but sometimes we put on masks in order to survive reality. And due to that, we lose ourselves slowly and who we are fades away.
Can i carry on living like this, knowing some part of me is slowly ebbing away to nothingness? Is this who i really want to become?
Everyday, we are face with situations which needs decisions, decisions, decisions. I am bad at making major decisions. My heart gives too much room to people i care alot. I think far too much for these people that many times, my decisions are based on how they would continue living should i make this particular decision. I am not perfect. I have made many bad decisions in the past which led me to be a better me through these bad patches and i appreciate the person i am now. I still have my flaws but at least i acknowledge them now, knowing that i still have lots to learn in being a good person.
How does one find oneself? How do they know what their soul is all about and who they really are? I lost some parts of myself while making the bad decisions and found some parts of me when i made some right ones. I don't wish to be something i am not but sometimes we put on masks in order to survive reality. And due to that, we lose ourselves slowly and who we are fades away.
Can i carry on living like this, knowing some part of me is slowly ebbing away to nothingness? Is this who i really want to become?
26.9.10
4.9.10
Irony.
Nothing explains it. Emotions, feelings, the highs and lows, are intangible and only your heart, when it's tough enough, will be able to distinguish your actions; if you are who you are as you always thought you are.
I don't make sense. My life never does. It has been a huge roller coaster ride since forever. Since i found out unicorns are just a myth and having imaginative friends at 8 makes you a freak. There are times when the adrenaline rushes come and i feel the "G" rush of life; being with people i love, appreciating life in wonders. But when life's ride makes you giddy and nauseous with pain in the heart, you tend to ask yourself, "Didn't you ask for it, sweetie?"
I am still finding my way. I am still trying to sustain my insatiable appetite of finding the way out of all these irony. Too many questions, too little answers. Does everyone feel life the same way? Sometimes, i find my brain turning against me with all these pondering and leave me clueless with indignation.
I struggle with reality very well, life taught me the necessary skills to deal with that. But i am selfish. I think far too much for myself, sacrificing things and people along the way. I am guilty of that and i hope to be forgiven. I don't need many things in life; but for the one thing i lack very much, many other things has to fill its place.
Life needn't to be fair; it just needs to be true. Everything on Earth is temporal. When you think of the efforts, the emotions, the energy put in, it strikes you that you may lose it someday. What more, when you don't deserve it? I have learnt, to live day to day, just enough to be contented. But a deep desire in me knows that i am fooling myself. I am different from everyone else; i yearn for things which aren't normally are.
Sanity is what we make of it. I keep sane with close ones, art, music, books, nature and especially writing. Never mind that i can't write professionally or never make much sense to people who don't understand - it is therapeutic to me and i refuse to apologise for my writing.
I hate it when i get stereotyped by conformists, seeing me for my exterior, overlooking what i can offer within. Perhaps because of this, i shut out easily and am cautious in making relationships happen - friend or lover. I don't need another reminder that i am different, i live in my own world, i am still an overgrown kid sleeping with teddies even at 28.
I ask to be left alone but inside me, i ask to be loved and understood. Being unique isn't being a freak, being different isn't seeking attention. I just am.
And probably when i found myself an answer, it is one unreachable. One that makes me believe in dreams but not in the real.
Which makes me live in irony. I am a lost case. Already found but still lost. Am answered but questions still exist. Probably will never be answered. Or i don't wish to accept it.
I hope to solve this enigma in my life. I hope to be truly happy. I hope for true love, genuine happiness and simple contentment.
Is that too much to ask?
Only Irony understands.
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