Happy Birthday, little one.

Dearest Johnny Boy,

9 years ago, i was in a stark white place with white walls and white wearing people, writhing in pain and had fear whispering in my ear about what is to happen, waiting for an arrival that will change my life totally.

Today is your sweet birthday. The first which I won't be there to wish you. The first which I can't hold you and tell you how i never regretted having you.

I remember those early years, when it was just you and me, me with no one to count on but Him, and you with no one to depend on but me. Where you cling on to me for comfort, for joy, for love. I remember the times when you nestled in my arms, as i gaze into your sleeping eyes and thank God that you are so beautiful.

One day when you get to read this, know that i am sorry. Forgive me for what has happened. For putting you through all this and in the end, the one who ends up hurting the most is you. I am sorry that i can't give you the answers you wanted when you had those questions burning in your heart.

Forgive me, John. Forgive mummy for what she has failed. No matter what others said about me to you, you must know that i love you very very much. I really do, baby.

I perhaps may never forgive myself for doing this to you and i hope one day, you will understand.

Have a lovely birthday, baby. You are the best thing to have happened to me. You do not know how much i think of you every single day.

Even when others sniggered behind my back when i had you, even when gossips flew when freedom was gained, even when others tainted me with their judgement and called me names, i will always be proud of you.

Proud that you are mine. I am blessed.

Mummy loves you super lots, darling. Happy Birthday.

The X'mas dinner.

And so. I was pleasantly surprised that the whole hush hush dinner was at Fosters, a pretty good choice for steak but bad for service. Really bad service. Eeeks.

Love the ambience although a tad bit noisy for me and the live singing aint too bad, if you aren't particular about pitch and nasal voices.

Creative Decor at the side

The menu for the night

Our drinks for the night

And here comes our food...

The steak won me over toe-curling hands down. I am a red meat eater. Beef (and sashimi) to me is like the most important source of food in my food chain. To find a succinct-tasting piece of steak fitting to my royal tastebuds is hard and this one win my vote for its tenderness and juiciness.

A pity that we couldn't sit right outside where it's quieter and less crampy. But overall, a good christmas dinner and my satisfied stomach says "Ichiban!"

Hope you had a lovely X'mas dinner too! :)

Sunrise.

I love this alot from a very famous Tudor Queen Elizabeth I.

Sunrise

“I grieve, yet dare not show my discontent;

I love, and yet am forced to seem to hate;

I dote, but dare not what I ever meant;

I seem stark mute, yet inwardly do prate;

I am, and am not—freeze and yet I burn,

Since from myself my other self I turn.

My care is like my shadow in the sun—

Follows me flying—flies when I pursue it,

Stands and lives by me—does what I have done,

This too familiar care doth make me rue it.

No means I find to rid him from my breast,

Till by the end of things it be suppressed.”

Merry Queeeemas, Lovelies!

Hope.

When bad happens, it happens in bunches and clumps. So when you thought that enough was more than enough, it kicks you without warning and you stumble, wondering what's next. As if the pain it caused wasn't enough.

This week pretty much sums the above. Some of my precious ones are having their lowest in life right now. And all i can do is to provide the support they need of me, hopefully it inspires strength in them to overcome.

Sometimes, I dwell on the obstacles I had in order to protect my heart, my sanity, my freedom. I wondered at what drove me and still do not know how i have gone through it all. I still carry pain. I think some pain can never heal; not when time and time again, something or someone has been taken away from you and no matter how hard you try, reality wins.

So sweeties, this post is for you. Everyone goes through a tough time at one point or another, and i guess during those dark bleak times, you unknowingly form yourself. Strength you never knew existed, perserverance you never gotten appears, love you have taken for granted supports. Then your character drinks all these in and you create a shell. A shell which fits only you and helps you to trudge along that tiresome journey you're on.

Don't give up. No matter how painful, how alone you think you are, you have yourself to count on. Life is all but what we make of it. If we give in to these soul-sucking woes, we will lose ourselves. There is more meaning to life than counting moments to death. Some people find that meaning in God, some people find that meaning in a purpose they believe in. Whichever it is, you need it. Meaning to survive, meaning to keep yourself together.

Even right now, I am saying the above to myself, chanting it like a mantra to my soul. I yearningly wish to be back in Krabi, where beauty surrounds me and my soul heals.

Know that you can, you will, you must. You have to. Because you owe yourself that.       

Every day is a fresh beginning,

Every day is the world made new;

You who are weary of sorrow and sinning,

Here is a beautiful hope for you-

A hope for me and a hope for you.

All the past things are past and over,

The tasks are done and the tears are shed;

Yesterday’s errors let yesterday cover;

Yesterday’s wounds, which smarted and bled,

Are healed with the healing which night has shed.

Yesterday now is a part of forever,

Bound up in a sheaf, which God holds tight;

With glad days, and sad days and bad days which never

Shall visit us more with their bloom and their blight,

Their fullness of sunshine or sorrowful night.

Let them go, since we cannot relieve them,

Cannot undo and cannot atone;

God in His mercy, receive, forgive them;

Only the new days are our own,

Today is ours, and today alone.

Here are the skies all burnished brightly,

Here is the spent earth all reborn,

Here are the tired limbs springing lightly

To face the sun and to share the morn,

In the chrism of dew and the cool of dawn.

Every day is a fresh beginning;

Listen, my soul, to the glad refrain,

And, spite of old sorrow and older sinning,

And puzzles forecasted and possible pain

Take heart with the day, and begin again.

~ Susan Coolidge

My sense of Krabi.

Aye, my serious procastination problem is acting up again and yes, i finally got my lazy fingers typing now about the recent trip to Krabi.

Although i have been back for a week now, the memories there are still very much afresh in my mind. The people, the smell of Krabi, the mesmerizing nature is still etched deeply in my thoughts.

I was alittle apprehensive in the begining, wondering if it would be a commercialised, hard sell touristy kinda island.

Boy, was i so wrong.

The people there are really so friendly and we made alot of friends while there. South Africans, Brazillians, Irish, Norwegians and even the local thais who are always without a smile.

Althought there were so much more caucasians there than Chinese, we don't feel out of place at all. Because everyone there has the same purpose visiting Krabi - getting away from the demands of reality.

As i am more of a nature than shopping kinda girl, Krabi was perfect for me.

Every single day, I would look forward to its beautiful sunset. Just by watching it, I forget much.

My worries, my pains, my woes fade.

We went for a day's tour to Phi Phi Island and a few others and really, the beaches there blew me away.

I look ahead where the sea never ends and where the mountains stood majestically, I never felt so peaceful before. 

Snorkelling there was really great too, the water was clear, the fishes aplenty and the weather was perfect.

Love it, love it, love it.

We went mangroves kayaking as well and man, i would and will say it again, I would urge you to go for this if you ain't afraid of water and mozzies.

It is tiring yeah, because your un-muscular arms would have to be rowing almost the entire stretch of river. 

BUT. Just but. When you reach the desired destination, where nature abounds and surrounds you entirely, trust me, you will be so very glad that you rowed so damn hard.

There were 8 kayaks in all and when we reached the Garden Of Eden as what the locals called this little spot in the mangroves, no one spoke.

No one moved, silence speaks.

It was so beautiful that i remembered thinking to myself that, i would be so fulfilled, if i can come by here every single day, just to immerse myself in its beauty.

Sometimes, we get so caught up by the reality of this world, trying so badly to survive in this society, we fail to take a step back and just appreciate.

Appreciating what have been given to us without a price.

Krabi has really touched me deeply. It is only a pity that we didn't have time to do trekking in the mountains but i have more than enough beautiful memories to bring back home.

Travelling in such places and witnessing God's handiworks like this makes me feel living finally feels worthwhile.

I look forward to my next destination next year. I hold tightly to this sense of fulfillment i've gotten from Krabi till the next.

Wait for me, Beautiful World. This little traveller is coming.