21.2.11

Walnut.

I have been asking myself for some time now, if I am capable of finding true happiness. It is old news that I am single and older news that my social life is about the size of a walnut and the only person i regularly meet nowadays is the Indian mama downstairs my house in his mama shop when i buy milk and packs of gummy bears.

Despite having been married once for a long time and been in a relationship for a long time as well, i haven't learnt much about love. Dousing myself in John Gray's books and mediating on the positivity that the new dawn will bring new happiness, I am still pretty much clueless on finding this potent key in unlocking the treasure of couple happiness.

Already, i applaud anyone who can fully understand me when sometimes i find myself doing a lousy job. I have a very dangerous habit in not expressing exactly how i feel but as if these feelings being exposed will cause the whole earth to collapse and Armageddon comes, i tend to shut down my inner most thoughts to myself and my bedside bears.

Perhaps being INFJ, it is difficult for us to express how we truly feel. And sometimes, people will get the wrong idea about us when all we truly meant is love me back and not love my back.

But i do pity the guy who ends up loving me. He may have a handful and don't say i didn't give a heads up, I am critically insane when it comes to being witty and i like to dry my humour as often as possible. I talk to my teddie bears at all times and i tend to smile to myself when waiting for the bus to come by. I like to lie on laps like a little kitten and i snuggle extremely lots. I have my moods and most times I am gorgeous when perky, gothic when dark. I am a challenge even to myself when it comes to understanding what's inside me and the first guy who can ever dissect me honestly and truly, i will be yours for eternity, that i can promise you.

But till then, life goes on. One relationship after another. Finding that one guy with the potent key.

And even if there's no real love, good food i will settle for, i guess.