Labyrinth of me.

Tonight feels heavy. Perhaps it's the fatigue-filled air inside me, leaving me deep in thoughts, melancholic in mood.

It's ironic how i resonate with melancholic emotions, how i find it being my nest of comfort, when i do have a bubble of energy in me; i enjoy so much the learnings and curiosities of mankind, the different cultures and how the world pulsates and how each one lives its own to be at peace with themselves. I enjoy mischievous bantering with laughter and relish on the intimate humane moments when others share their life's pasts with poignancy. This bright sunny side of me really astonish me alittle at times.

But when i had indulged too much into the reality of this world, how my rose-tinted reflection of it gets tainted, how i am startled by its harshness and its glaring imperfection, my heart sings to a melancholic beat.

And needless to say, I feel this way more often than not.

Many times, there's a fear in me. I fear leading a life of waste. I need meaning in my life. I am at my happiest when I learn to be a better me, a better lover, a better mum. I seek for a deeper sense of my being living in this world and look for the complexities of people, trying to understand them. Because maybe one day through them, i will finally understand myself completely.

Since forever, there's always a gap in me which till date, no one fills perhaps except Him. Sometimes, there is this deep bottomless yearning for someone to discover this lonesome gap that keeps growing bigger like the ozone layer as days go past and it scares me that one day, I become someone whom no one understands.

I hate it when i have all these labyrinthine deep thoughts in me and it becomes like a stain in my heart, smeared with unknown questions and empty answers which i know not where to keep them except in that lonesome gap of mine.

As much as i look perfectly normal with a facade fitting into this world, the inside of me is like the hidden secret garden which no one will ever find that door to see what's beyond me. Most times, it's because i stop them from knowing. Because most times, I get hurt in the end. It takes too much out of me to try again.

This is when I find it hard to conform to this world, to its evolving realities, to its constant expectations, to its vicious cycle of normality and it drains me endlessly to be of one with things which i am not.

Sigh.

I so would be the death of me.

More than BAGS, i say!

Girlfriend: We are breaking up.
Me: Whoa. What happened??
Girlfriend: We had a big fight over his unwillingness to carry my bag.
Me: HUH??????!!!!!
Girlfriend: Yeah. JERK.

I really paused. Really read the above words again and over and again until my eyes could bleed and squirt out metallic tasting stuff.

Breaking up because of that.. that... superficial reason??

Maybe it is a catalyst which led to this. Maybe GF was just waiting for a perfect moment to dump this news to him but doesn't know how thus, this.

I really don't know.

I feel sorry for the guy. Gulp.

Breaking up over such.................... reason. 6 months down the drain like that. Or perhaps it was just her angry words. Who knows, next few days, they are back together again, sticking to each other like uhu glue and this time, i believe HE will be carrying her glittery pink Hello Kitty bag.

Okay. Personal take ya. No offense.

My guy don't have to CARRY my bag for me. Full stop.

Unless I am really sick and looking like the living dead, or I am so freaking tired that i am walking at a speed of the slowest turtle in the world then yes. Maybe i'll ask.

But other perfectly normal looking times, I can very well carry it myself, thank you very much.

Yes, i know i know, it is a really sweet gesture from a male to willingly carry your load (be it your genuine LV or your this-is-not-a-plastic-bag replica) and it makes you feel protected, safe, vulnerable.

But my arm hairs stand when i see manly guys carrying furry pink totes under their hairy armpits and...

*shakes head with gorgeous hair*

That image really doesn't seems right. At all.

And to break up with him because he doesn't wanna carry your bag?

You will be better off without my girlfriend, Mr Guy.

Go find some other girl who can appreciate your personality and for what you stand for and not live under the tyranny of some ............ interesting girls who only view relationships in a very straight forward lens.

Can you imagine having a first date with some guy and here's what might happen:

Furry Pink Tote Girl: Do you like carrying bags for your GF?
Normal Guy: *eyebrows frowing a tad bit* erm, yeah, i guess. When she needs me to, i guess.
Furry Pink Tote Girl: I see.... so you won't volunteer to carry it for her even when she doesn't need to? Like my furry pink and glittery hello kitty bag? Will you carry it for me while we go shopping at orchard?
Normal Guy: *SCREAMING HELP INTERNALLY* i think erm.. i need to go to the bathroom. Emergency.

----

Sweeties, i am not finger pointing ya. Your guy is happy carrying your bag for you, then *YAY, Thank God for such a lovely guy*. But if he doesn't, then Please. In the name of all bagmakers and your own sanity and boobs, don't use it as a reason to break up with him.

Relationships are meant to be more than bags, isn't it??

Especially telling you, my dearest Girlfriend!!!

Just me.

Deep within the soul crackles

with a sound of unseen pain.

In the still of the shambles

its fragments leaves it hollow

its wall encrusted with bitter cold.

When once more can it beat

to the rhythm of splendid bliss

where hideous woes and simple life need not touch

where the lightness of pure dawn shines

like a sword in its highest glory?

Filled with gust a distant past

Where it lingers and once soared

In the very heart it only loves.

Running to the safe world unexist

Feeling the willowy wind of freedom

stripping all but its core

the very core which deeply cries

I am all

 but just me.

The Merry-go-round.

Am sick. Full blown Gastroenteritis (Gastric flu larr).

I hardly get sick. But when I do, it is in the deathbed mode where you see me clinging on to my flimsy shredded life and looking like ghost from the past.

Gives me the shrudder knowing how really fragile life is.

Even now while typing, my fingers are doing the drug addict trembles, my world seems to be constantly on a merry-go-round and running to the toilet in 5secs flat and kneeling down in front of my beloved toilet bowl puking is my latest sport. I might get really strong and muscular knees by the time i get well.

Pardon me my dry and wry humour; I am usually like this when i am really sick or really stressed.

Or perhaps, I am  like this all the time. Just that my close ones prefer to hide it from me lest I get proud and indulge in it even more. Ha.

Recently, there's a whole lot of buzzing activity in my mind. Work has been less than fulfilling (regardless who's reading, i am still saying it) and i can't see myself spending my youth (not much left anyway) away, struggling to live as a human till i die and disintegrate into ashes while slogging with no sense of being, no sense of contentment.

I seek a deeper satisfaction in pursuit of being alive more rewarding. I need more than living for the next month end for my paycheck, more than decking myself in the latest fashion so that i get admiration wherever i go.

Life has to be more than these superficialities. It has got to be.

I am indeed afraid to die.

I am not afraid of its pain; i find sometimes, bodily pain can be a distraction itself than the real deep pain that sometimes our heart carries and no one knows except our burdened souls.

But i am afraid of death because it will take away my chance to experience, to explore, to expect.

There's no escape from this grim reality of life's phase and be it now or ten years' time, everyone has to prepare for this finality to come one day.

Maybe being sick makes me more aware of time slipping away like a thief in the night, being weak makes me more aware of how much more, I yearn to be at a mountain top right now at this moment, having the winter wind caressing my face and down below, admiring God's handiwork and the wonderful landscape He has created so jaw-droppingly.

Moments like these might just be enough. Enough to be rewardingly alive. 

Are you really, who you are?

Lately, it seems like many of my gal pals are going through a rough patch in relationships.

And all of a sudden, I became the Love Guru. haha.

I am not an expert in relationships. The irony of it is that i am so bad at it that my experience from my mistakes makes me understand what my gal pals are going through right now.

Believe it or not, I even have acquaintances hailing all the way from Mainland, asking me if she should own up to her feelings to this boy whom she has been harbouring a crush on and another asking if she should go visit this boyfriend of hers in another city even though they are on the verge on breaking up.

Really. Almost everyday, people tell me mostly about their relationship problems and I'll just listen them out and give them my own life's wise words to ponder upon. I get calls in wee mornings, flooded emails and my msn window is constantly open. I have been asked many times to have an alternative email or blog to hear their woes about Love and the opposite sex.

Maybe I am just easy to talk to, that's all.

Sometimes, i really have to laugh and say, i am just an ordinary girl who don't really know better, honestly. All i know is, never ever change yourself for someone else because in the end, this person isn't gonna love you for whom you really are but what he or she thought you to be.

Many of them, as they share with me, change themselves into this mould of being the perfect One, hoping that this will hook the guy for infinity. Dressing differently, speaking girlishly, looking intellectually. I say, sweeties, it ain't gonna work. I have been there, done that, failed horribly and have learnt the hard way out.

My heart goes all out to the girl who forsake herself just for a guy. It is indeed misleading the guy which when crunch time comes, you can't really blame him for being resentful at you when your real self emerge. 

I say, if he can't accept you being the doofus you sometimes are, if he can't accept your honest mistakes from the past, if he can't embrace your uniqueness and your individuality, then don't make excuses for him and just get out of there. 

Always, always believe in your self worth. Reserve some dignity for yourself. You will enjoy life much much more.

Trust me. :)