Creating the missing.

Thought of the day.

Irony.

I find myself living in irony most times. It's pretty frustrating when you thought you knew it all about yourself, you stumble upon this cobwebby part of you which you never knew existed and it comes tumbling out at full fledge. I want to be able to tell myself that i know myself fully well. I want to be able to tell myself that whatever it is now, i am acutely aware of what will happen, what is to happen, and what happens after it happens. 

Nothing explains it. Emotions, feelings, the highs and lows, are intangible and only your heart, when it's tough enough, will be able to distinguish your actions; if you are who you are as you always thought you are.

I don't make sense. My life never does. It has been a huge roller coaster ride since forever. Since i found out unicorns are just a myth and having imaginative friends at 8 makes you a freak. There are times when the adrenaline rushes come and i feel the "G" rush of life; being with people i love, appreciating life in wonders. But when life's ride makes you giddy and nauseous with pain in the heart, you tend to ask yourself, "Didn't you ask for it, sweetie?"

I am still finding my way. I am still trying to sustain my insatiable appetite of finding the way out of all these irony. Too many questions, too little answers. Does everyone feel life the same way? Sometimes, i find my brain turning against me with all these pondering and leave me clueless with indignation.

I struggle with reality very well, life taught me the necessary skills to deal with that. But i am selfish. I think far too much for myself, sacrificing things and people along the way. I am guilty of that and i hope to be forgiven. I don't need many things in life; but for the one thing i lack very much, many other things has to fill its place. 

Life needn't to be fair; it just needs to be true. Everything on Earth is temporal. When you think of the efforts, the emotions, the energy put in, it strikes you that you may lose it someday. What more, when you don't deserve it? I have learnt, to live day to day, just enough to be contented. But a deep desire in me knows that i am fooling myself. I am different from everyone else; i yearn for things which aren't normally are. 

Sanity is what we make of it. I keep sane with close ones, art, music, books, nature and especially writing. Never mind that i can't write professionally or never make much sense to people who don't understand - it is therapeutic to me and i refuse to apologise for my writing. 

I hate it when i get stereotyped by conformists, seeing me for my exterior, overlooking what i can offer within. Perhaps because of this, i shut out easily and am cautious in making relationships happen - friend or lover. I don't need another reminder that i am different, i live in my own world, i am still an overgrown kid sleeping with teddies even at 28. 

I ask to be left alone but inside me, i ask to be loved and understood. Being unique isn't being a freak, being different isn't seeking attention. I just am. 

And probably when i found myself an answer, it is one unreachable. One that makes me believe in dreams but not in the real. 

Which makes me live in irony. I am a lost case. Already found but still lost. Am answered but questions still exist. Probably will never be answered. Or i don't wish to accept it. 

I hope to solve this enigma in my life. I hope to be truly happy. I hope for true love, genuine happiness and simple contentment.

Is that too much to ask?

Only Irony understands.