Live beautifully.

Lately, I have been feeding my soul with beautiful sceneries and good food. Have been too focused on work that i needed to really learn to chill, see the world without deadlines and KPIs. I have been so involved into work that every nano second, I am constantly thinking of proposals, plans and strategies. I had forgotten what it really means to live.

2010 is coming to an end and this year has really been a good year for me. I am not one for resolutions but much have been achieved which i am glad i did it. I remember having dinner with a certain Mr X one evening and we were just chatting about the future. I was asking him what his plans for the future are and what does he see himself doing in years to come. He told me he doesn't know and he rather be realistic and not dream.

Wow.

It took me quite some moments to understand what he just said and digested it. He doesn't know? don't believe in dreaming? Whoa.

I couldn't comprehend. How can anyone possibly not dream? How can anyone don't believe in what they have now can become something bigger by having a vision? I don't have my head in the clouds but without dreams, we tend to box ourselves up easily and get contented too quickly.

Probably this is his way in finding happiness. Someone once told me - what drives you is who you really are. I ask myself that everyday, hoping to find the answer i am searching for. There are times i place less value on myself, shortchanging what i am really worth. This is not right and i aim to change it for the new coming year.

I want to fully live and live beautifully.

The Good Life.

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The importance of chilling out.

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Fading slowly.

There are times in our precious lives, where we will meet with crossroads and there is this deep dilemma in making the right decision. Who decides what is right in the first place? Your heart? Your head? Logic or intuition?

Everyday, we are face with situations which needs decisions, decisions, decisions. I am bad at making major decisions. My heart gives too much room to people i care alot. I think far too much for these people that many times, my decisions are based on how they would continue living should i make this particular decision. I am not perfect. I have made many bad decisions in the past which led me to be a better me through these bad patches and i appreciate the person i am now. I still have my flaws but at least i acknowledge them now, knowing that i still have lots to learn in being a good person.

How does one find oneself? How do they know what their soul is all about and who they really are? I lost some parts of myself while making the bad decisions and found some parts of me when i made some right ones. I don't wish to be something i am not but sometimes we put on masks in order to survive reality. And due to that, we lose ourselves slowly and who we are fades away.

Can i carry on living like this, knowing some part of me is slowly ebbing away to nothingness? Is this who i really want to become?

Creating the missing.

Thought of the day.

Irony.

I find myself living in irony most times. It's pretty frustrating when you thought you knew it all about yourself, you stumble upon this cobwebby part of you which you never knew existed and it comes tumbling out at full fledge. I want to be able to tell myself that i know myself fully well. I want to be able to tell myself that whatever it is now, i am acutely aware of what will happen, what is to happen, and what happens after it happens. 

Nothing explains it. Emotions, feelings, the highs and lows, are intangible and only your heart, when it's tough enough, will be able to distinguish your actions; if you are who you are as you always thought you are.

I don't make sense. My life never does. It has been a huge roller coaster ride since forever. Since i found out unicorns are just a myth and having imaginative friends at 8 makes you a freak. There are times when the adrenaline rushes come and i feel the "G" rush of life; being with people i love, appreciating life in wonders. But when life's ride makes you giddy and nauseous with pain in the heart, you tend to ask yourself, "Didn't you ask for it, sweetie?"

I am still finding my way. I am still trying to sustain my insatiable appetite of finding the way out of all these irony. Too many questions, too little answers. Does everyone feel life the same way? Sometimes, i find my brain turning against me with all these pondering and leave me clueless with indignation.

I struggle with reality very well, life taught me the necessary skills to deal with that. But i am selfish. I think far too much for myself, sacrificing things and people along the way. I am guilty of that and i hope to be forgiven. I don't need many things in life; but for the one thing i lack very much, many other things has to fill its place. 

Life needn't to be fair; it just needs to be true. Everything on Earth is temporal. When you think of the efforts, the emotions, the energy put in, it strikes you that you may lose it someday. What more, when you don't deserve it? I have learnt, to live day to day, just enough to be contented. But a deep desire in me knows that i am fooling myself. I am different from everyone else; i yearn for things which aren't normally are. 

Sanity is what we make of it. I keep sane with close ones, art, music, books, nature and especially writing. Never mind that i can't write professionally or never make much sense to people who don't understand - it is therapeutic to me and i refuse to apologise for my writing. 

I hate it when i get stereotyped by conformists, seeing me for my exterior, overlooking what i can offer within. Perhaps because of this, i shut out easily and am cautious in making relationships happen - friend or lover. I don't need another reminder that i am different, i live in my own world, i am still an overgrown kid sleeping with teddies even at 28. 

I ask to be left alone but inside me, i ask to be loved and understood. Being unique isn't being a freak, being different isn't seeking attention. I just am. 

And probably when i found myself an answer, it is one unreachable. One that makes me believe in dreams but not in the real. 

Which makes me live in irony. I am a lost case. Already found but still lost. Am answered but questions still exist. Probably will never be answered. Or i don't wish to accept it. 

I hope to solve this enigma in my life. I hope to be truly happy. I hope for true love, genuine happiness and simple contentment.

Is that too much to ask?

Only Irony understands.

The underwater.

Back from diving and finally got my license to visit the water world in future. :D

Sometimes, i get too caught up in the real world that i need a moment to flee,

to see the world in a different light, a wind of change.

The fish lead a carefree life, simple in a complex way,

where they never known the prey's moment of pounce

but just living each day, enjoying its terrain of peace.

If i could understand this philosophy of just being,

life could probably be enough. 

Sometimes being greedy has its taste of poison

which in expectations i may fulfill

but for every moment i have,

i just appreciate.

Till it comes

for me.

Another persevering day.

Frustrated with lungs bursting.
Vexed at humanity's disappointments.
Rapid breaths of anger.
Not wrong but wronged.

I can only
Persevere
Run the race head up
Actualize the impossible
Yet keep my faith intact.

Brekkie at Mac's

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Sitting alone in Mac's eating their irresistible morning breakfast helps to boost creativity on a morning.

The little one is off to another birthday party. Again. He has like, 3 parties to go to consecutively every week and I am amazed at how popular he is, haha. I think he had won me hands down when it comes to having a big circle of friends. But I am glad that he has one or two close friends whom he thinks of as 'brothers', learning the meaning of friendship.

When was the last time I have attended a birthday party?????

Can't remember. Eeeeks.

I need to stop work ruling my life. Sigh. I miss my gals. Looking forward to the national day weekend where I get to meet with fish deep beyond.

But meantime, it's back to work again, alone in Mac's, cracking my brains for proposals, proposal, proposals.

Pooooooooots.

Reality Lust

My guitar lays in rust
My thoughts blink for gust
My ship sinks with a broken mast
My soul finds end with dust

Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Sleepless nights came knocking on my window of thoughts again. Have been waking up in the middle of the night, spending those wee hours looking out of the silent neighbourhood and have so many thoughts entering and leaving me like trains in tunnels, speeding fast.

I get nightmares of being chased and wake up with heart pumping furiously and room spinning around me. Then I  just sit in darkness and holding my squashed teddies tightly, waiting for new dawn to claim its day.

Too much in me I'm thinking I suppose, too many layers - too deep, too vast.

At times, i find myself ridiculously pessimistic with a touch of sadism, other times i am the bright shiny optimistician. Probably the only good thing which keeps me sane could possibly be my dry, narcissistic humour. And gummy bears.

All I want is to be able to sleep well again. To dream of the land of milk and honey, to leave the real world for the reel, to catch droplets of fantasies and relish on flying through the galaxy of imagination.

May God help me sleep tonight.

Rider's Cafe

Eating Brunch at Rider's Cafe on a lazy Sunday morning lifted my spirits immensely after having a extremely tough week at work. The trees seemed to be in a lyrical dance with its leaves swaying to the wind, the horses playing in the mud without hidden woes, the birds chirping in delight.

I am not good in expressing my emotions with speech but being there next to nature, emotions inside me found their own words for me to write, in heart and in words. Gazing out there with the serenity of peaceful scenery, I found my emotional chartered waters calm, filling my heart again with courage.

Good food always helps too. :D

Thank you for loving me.

This past week wasn't pretty. It was a roller coaster ride and till now, i still feel its bumps and humps and i suddenly feel like Socrates, having really deep thoughts about life, about existence, about things happening around us if for reason or for one's guilty pleasure.

I have 2 girlfriends whom i love darlingly in life. They were there during my lowest and celebrated with me during my highest, and the tightness between us means we share each other's pains, each other's joys.

But at this moment, both of them are facing a phase where life is giving them a really tough trial. And my broken heart goes all out to them. So this is for you, girls.

K. Darling:

Life perhaps is pulling a very bad joke on you right now. I know what you are going through, no one can fully fathom and understand. Even me, the one out of the three who thinks and ponders so much about life, cannot find an answer to what you are facing now. Your tears, your pain, your woes within you, as much as you look fine, i know you keep it buried within you, hoping time will fade those scars away. I wish i can wave a magic wand and make those pains disappear and let you feel happiness once more. You deserve so much more, sweetie. What you are going through now, know that you still have someone here who truly wants you to be happy and will be here infinito.


J. Baby:

God knows how much tears you have already shed and how much more bottles of wine you have already drank. I am indeed more worried for you. Things may not be what it seems and what weights more is what is unspoken than what was spoken. I am sure you know what i mean. You have always been strong but the torrent of emotions inside you, i sometimes wonder how you manage to keep them at bay. Although i don't know how to help you deal with this hurt but i am going to make sure whatever was unfulfilled, you can find it in us gals. I have faith in you that someday, you will be that person you aim to be. Nothing is gonna stop you and i will be so proud of you.

Seeing you girls at our last drinking session, makes me realise that at the end of the day, we do need people to love us, to be there for us when we are down, to love our every flaw, our every weakness, love us for truly who we are.

And you know what?

Despite my failures, my flaws, revealing to you who i truly am, you girls never wavered in being there for me, supporting me to face life bravely and come what may, when i fall... i need not be afraid because i know 2 pairs of hands will be catching me.

I appreciate you both so much that I feel blessed. To be able to find best friends like both of you. And i hope during this period of time, i will be your strength, your comfort, your encouragement.

Thank you for loving me too.

Desaru Woo Hoo!

Finally, i got the latest break's pics out. I just realised the word "Finally" has such a procrastinator's ring to it, haha. And i tend to use it like, alot. Eeeeks.

Anyways. I had to blog about the latest trip because it was way over my expectations, woohoo! We were told not to expect MUCH at all from Desaru and after doing some online research, there's like nothing AT ALL there besides some plantations and little known farms. But I was desperate for a break and seeing everywhere nearby has been fully booked (yes, last minute bookings get you nowhere), i thought - "Why not? Just give it a shot. At most, i will just go into mediation mode for 3 days if it really stinks and come back and blog about it. Haha. "

But whoa. I was suitably impressed when i first entered our apartment. It was a real cosy double storey little studio apartment with a little kitchen corner built with a sink and has a microwave. For the price that we had paid, it was really worth it.

They have sort of a Wild Wild Wet theme for the kids, where there is a huge water playground for the kids to splash about and a nice long water slide for them to go crazy at. I actually enjoyed the water park myself and looking like a doofees (as what my close friend calls a female doofus), John and i went for the rides repeatedly. And that is also where i had the epitome of Embarassment happened to me *Face turning beet root red*. Not gonna talk about it and those of you who knew what happened, i am glad to have enriched your life with so much laughter. *AHEM*

There is literally no shopping there WHICH i liked so much!! haha. Strange but really REALLY, i am not the "go crazy over the overseas shopping because it is so CHEAP!!" kinda girl. I prefer to buy something of value from the place i am visiting for remembrance and won't purposely find places to shop; sceneries and cultural places interest me more. :)

So since no shopping, we just get to laze at the beach and really do some space-out relaxation. Picked up shells with the little one and more water-slides craziness. This explains why i am a few shades darker now and i am unable to shake off the tan. Poots.

But overall, it was a good break which i needed, to recharge myself mentally, grow more brain juices (i find my braincells tend to grow and sprouts more this way) and re-align myself emotionally.

Here's where i stayed: http://www.lotusdesaru.com/cms/

      

      

We will definitely go back there again and not surprisingly, there are so many Singaporeans there since it's just a half hour ferry ride away from Singapore. 

It is a pretty nice resort and unexpectedly good so if you are looking for a place to chill over the weekend, you can consider Lotus Desaru. *wink*

The spark within.

Sometimes we know not why we do

what makes our hearts beat

for certain reasons unfounded

and end up getting bruised ourselves

But many times we live for a spark within

the tingle which resonates with our souls

and believe it is what our lives is entangled with

giving nothing but all of ourselves

At times the world laughs at the foolishness

of what it caused one to be unexplained

And you left no words in heart to speak

except to whisper in silence knowingly,

"For you I will do. Because it's All for Love."

Chill.

6.45pm.
The Coffee Club.
Hazelnutella Milkshake.
With the little one.
Feeling the lull of Sunday evenings, despairing at the thought of Mondays looming by.
I'll miss that little rascal.

Fly away.

More often than not, I am melancholy and tend to brood. Whether incessantly, I try my best to stay relevant to the matters of the paradoxical world but most times, my common sense finds nowhere to park itself but to escape to the reelistic world.

Tonight, when the silver lining of the moon beams down softly and my mind caught the silence of solitude, this is the perfect time where i munch on sweet strawberries and let my heart write its unspoken poems, quiet thoughts, imaginative moments.

Most times, my mind leaves me dumbfounded when i look out in the endless sky, and my soul has this deep yearning to be curious and dream of places unknown where i wish i can just hop onto my Pegasus and fly.

Flying away to somewhere without burdensome pains, somewhere where i get to be myself without having to conform to people's opinions, where i can laugh simply, breathe happy, love deeply.

I miss being understood. I miss letting my mind wander to places where i can look so far away beyond the horizon and let my imagination run so wild.

Maybe it's time for a break again.

Just like the seashells. They'll never know where they'll end up.

I'll never know who I'll find.

Perhaps it's you I'll meet

With you I'll be.

All it takes is to fly.

Life and its lessons.

Recently, I have found out that I have yet to understand many basic truths about humankind. After going through the lowest lows and highest highs, I thought I have seen what i ought to see when it comes to complicated, paradoxical and ironic human behaviour. But alas, I am still that same naive, gullible, too good-seeking girl I was 10 years ago.

Sometimes, I blame no one but myself. I fail to see that there are indeed some humans here who can be worse than animals themselves, behavioural or not. I have no reserves in seeing good in people but there are some who will always have reserves about being good to people. Sometimes, I wonder if some of these people had experienced much pain in their past, that they can't bring themselves to bring good but pain to others as well.

Some says you are in control of your happiness. Whatever happens to you, you have a part to play in it. You have a say in what you do, what you think, what you want in order to gain this basic human emotion of being happy so as to survive another day in this treacheous world.

Some days, it could be as easy as looking up and admiring the cotton-like clouds above, appreciating wonders of nature and all of its simplicity. Other days, we may seek substantial methods to appease our self worth. Shopping does it for some people but a selective group of people, they crave happiness in the hypocritical sense that it pleases their inner soul when others crash, when others fall.

Fortunately, although I know I am very much insane, I am a good girl. I never meant evil upon anyone and curse them dead yet (perhaps only in fleeting moments when my blood pressure goes up). I love the people around me purely and they love me the same too. I have my close girlfriends whom I can hound when I need hugs, I have my family and loved ones who can accept me the demented way I am without compromise.

So I truly pity those who can only gain happiness when others are being hurt. I say a prayer for them, hoping that one day they will know how to seek the right way to happiness and soothe their sorry souls.

I am still learning. I will stop being naive, thinking everyone has a good heart and have no means to hurt me. I will have less expectations on people to be pure-hearted but convince myself that people essentially has a dark side after all. I will learn from my mistakes for being kind and perhaps this is the time, when my character builds; into something resilent, something unshakable.

Life gets interesting when we learn and maybe when the dramas in my life starts to unfold one by one, I might by then, finally understand us humans.

Amazing.


 

Tiredeedooroo.

I realised my writing hand had been in rust and suffering from bloglessness, i decided to take time off from maniac-working for once and indulge in something i love doing.

My convoluted brain is seriously cramped with ideas, strategies, planning, proposals and all those corporate gist.

I am so freaking tired.

Although i like to keep busy and have my integrity stamped on my hard-earned money, i am only just a humble simpleton whose braincells cannot match those of Einstein's and hell, i have the same 24 hours as everyone else and which i wish i have the power to stretch the elasticity of time but yes, i will just keep dreaming.

I have been sighing involuntarily recently and i think my soul is giving me a warning in advance.

This is the when i stop time in its tracks and let the world continue rotating without me while i observe and examine my quiet existence on earth so far. Am i already tired of life? The life which i was graciously given and the life which all of us have the desire to leave a legacy someday, narcisstic or not?

I paused. No, i am not tired of life. I love life. Its simplicity, its depth of emotions, its inspiring momentum. Perhaps its what we have to do in order to sustain this beautiful life which makes me tired.

Times like this, i wish i have the ability to teleport myself to any parts of this world, where i can regenerate my battered soul with genuine people, people whom i can learn from to be content and enjoy the awesome nature which my mind have so often imagined with lacklustre details.

I am so tempting myself again. Sigh.

Time to get back to reality. Bleh.

Lie To Me, Baby!

It makes me so giddy with excitement by just the sheer thought of it.

I get butterflies swarming in my hilly tummy and i look forward to it every single free moment i have on the train, human-jammed buses and it's my antidote for sleep now.

It's Lie To Me i'm talking about, normal people.

If you haven't got the foggiest clue on what i am exactly ranting about, please for the love of God, check it out!!

You have to know and believe me, i seldom watch the tube. *NO FREAKING TIME* I like fuss-free, no commitment kinda shows (except American Idol!!) which you can just watch and let the braincells have some TV spa time.

BUT this... this American drama series just totally blew me and my minuscle brain away. Within the first 5 mins of the first episode of the show, i knew i was hopelessly hooked. My heart was so quickly won over that no man has ever gone to that speed before, haha.

Each plot in each episode is so intricately woven with hidden surprises and mysteries that my mind gets a yoga workout everytime i watch it. I love the way how Dr Cal Lightman, a behavioural scientist, uses applied psychology to dig out truths from these people who were suspected of commiting different crimes.

This is way way wayyyyyyyyyyyy better than The Mentalist. *sorry, my two The Mentalist dudes. This show really win hands down from Red John*

Within a week, in between shuffling buses and trains, having limited personal space with odd looking strangers and holding my bated breath, my ipod laid stationary in my palm while i squinted my feminine eyes watching Tim Roth strut his psychotic stuff and i tell you, it really gives me an orgasmic TV-series high by just watching this darn good show.

And sadly, like all good things always coming to an end, i have completed my first season. *poots*

As i wait earnestly for my second season to come in, as my heart itchingly desire to unravel more crime mysteries that Dr Lightman aim to solve, I shall be a little good girl and start catching up on my loss of beauty sleep.

GOSH. I SO LOVE THIS SHOW!!! *clap clap*

Really, do yourself a favour if someday you found yourself in a state of not knowing what to watch or do, and just want to find something worthwhile to make life alittle more bearable on this dreary earth.

Watch Lie To Me.

I'll make sure you will never regret it. *wink*

Aloha, 2010!!

Okay. I am 13 days late greeting the New Year but as what we hard-core procrastinators always live by this decree and believe it earnestly,

"Better late than Never!!"

:P

It is honestly a fright that time passes so quickly that i have started visualising myself looking like my mum and wearing those clothes that i have once looked at disdain and promised myself that i will NEVER ever dress like my mum.

*shrudders*

2010. I look forward to making it a soulful journey where champagne bubbles flow and disco lights glitter. No matter the past, I'll enjoy the future with what I can get. I'll learn to be content, find peace in Him and keep looking gorgeous. *grin*

In the midst of life, we always need to let go the old in order to receive the new.

Adious 2009 and watch out 2010!