Labyrinth of me.

Tonight feels heavy. Perhaps it's the fatigue-filled air inside me, leaving me deep in thoughts, melancholic in mood.

It's ironic how i resonate with melancholic emotions, how i find it being my nest of comfort, when i do have a bubble of energy in me; i enjoy so much the learnings and curiosities of mankind, the different cultures and how the world pulsates and how each one lives its own to be at peace with themselves. I enjoy mischievous bantering with laughter and relish on the intimate humane moments when others share their life's pasts with poignancy. This bright sunny side of me really astonish me alittle at times.

But when i had indulged too much into the reality of this world, how my rose-tinted reflection of it gets tainted, how i am startled by its harshness and its glaring imperfection, my heart sings to a melancholic beat.

And needless to say, I feel this way more often than not.

Many times, there's a fear in me. I fear leading a life of waste. I need meaning in my life. I am at my happiest when I learn to be a better me, a better lover, a better mum. I seek for a deeper sense of my being living in this world and look for the complexities of people, trying to understand them. Because maybe one day through them, i will finally understand myself completely.

Since forever, there's always a gap in me which till date, no one fills perhaps except Him. Sometimes, there is this deep bottomless yearning for someone to discover this lonesome gap that keeps growing bigger like the ozone layer as days go past and it scares me that one day, I become someone whom no one understands.

I hate it when i have all these labyrinthine deep thoughts in me and it becomes like a stain in my heart, smeared with unknown questions and empty answers which i know not where to keep them except in that lonesome gap of mine.

As much as i look perfectly normal with a facade fitting into this world, the inside of me is like the hidden secret garden which no one will ever find that door to see what's beyond me. Most times, it's because i stop them from knowing. Because most times, I get hurt in the end. It takes too much out of me to try again.

This is when I find it hard to conform to this world, to its evolving realities, to its constant expectations, to its vicious cycle of normality and it drains me endlessly to be of one with things which i am not.

Sigh.

I so would be the death of me.