The Merry-go-round.

Am sick. Full blown Gastroenteritis (Gastric flu larr).

I hardly get sick. But when I do, it is in the deathbed mode where you see me clinging on to my flimsy shredded life and looking like ghost from the past.

Gives me the shrudder knowing how really fragile life is.

Even now while typing, my fingers are doing the drug addict trembles, my world seems to be constantly on a merry-go-round and running to the toilet in 5secs flat and kneeling down in front of my beloved toilet bowl puking is my latest sport. I might get really strong and muscular knees by the time i get well.

Pardon me my dry and wry humour; I am usually like this when i am really sick or really stressed.

Or perhaps, I am  like this all the time. Just that my close ones prefer to hide it from me lest I get proud and indulge in it even more. Ha.

Recently, there's a whole lot of buzzing activity in my mind. Work has been less than fulfilling (regardless who's reading, i am still saying it) and i can't see myself spending my youth (not much left anyway) away, struggling to live as a human till i die and disintegrate into ashes while slogging with no sense of being, no sense of contentment.

I seek a deeper satisfaction in pursuit of being alive more rewarding. I need more than living for the next month end for my paycheck, more than decking myself in the latest fashion so that i get admiration wherever i go.

Life has to be more than these superficialities. It has got to be.

I am indeed afraid to die.

I am not afraid of its pain; i find sometimes, bodily pain can be a distraction itself than the real deep pain that sometimes our heart carries and no one knows except our burdened souls.

But i am afraid of death because it will take away my chance to experience, to explore, to expect.

There's no escape from this grim reality of life's phase and be it now or ten years' time, everyone has to prepare for this finality to come one day.

Maybe being sick makes me more aware of time slipping away like a thief in the night, being weak makes me more aware of how much more, I yearn to be at a mountain top right now at this moment, having the winter wind caressing my face and down below, admiring God's handiwork and the wonderful landscape He has created so jaw-droppingly.

Moments like these might just be enough. Enough to be rewardingly alive.