Happy Birthday, little one.

Dearest Johnny Boy,

9 years ago, i was in a stark white place with white walls and white wearing people, writhing in pain and had fear whispering in my ear about what is to happen, waiting for an arrival that will change my life totally.

Today is your sweet birthday. The first which I won't be there to wish you. The first which I can't hold you and tell you how i never regretted having you.

I remember those early years, when it was just you and me, me with no one to count on but Him, and you with no one to depend on but me. Where you cling on to me for comfort, for joy, for love. I remember the times when you nestled in my arms, as i gaze into your sleeping eyes and thank God that you are so beautiful.

One day when you get to read this, know that i am sorry. Forgive me for what has happened. For putting you through all this and in the end, the one who ends up hurting the most is you. I am sorry that i can't give you the answers you wanted when you had those questions burning in your heart.

Forgive me, John. Forgive mummy for what she has failed. No matter what others said about me to you, you must know that i love you very very much. I really do, baby.

I perhaps may never forgive myself for doing this to you and i hope one day, you will understand.

Have a lovely birthday, baby. You are the best thing to have happened to me. You do not know how much i think of you every single day.

Even when others sniggered behind my back when i had you, even when gossips flew when freedom was gained, even when others tainted me with their judgement and called me names, i will always be proud of you.

Proud that you are mine. I am blessed.

Mummy loves you super lots, darling. Happy Birthday.